A relationship worth repairing

Jan 1, 20223 min read

I wrote this month’s blog on the topic of support, but I wasn’t happy with it. I was still working on it past the due date – this is unheard of for me!!!

Being organised is something that supports me.

Then I got sick. It felt like burn out. I literally couldn’t get off the lounge.

Yet, I have good self-care strategies, so how could that happen?

Discovering the trigger

Several weeks before I had been kicked by a horse.

It didn’t hurt but I couldn’t get up – I was in shock.

It was a horse I adored, and it was completely out of character for the horse. I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and on autopilot.

When I was a child, a person full of rage yelled at me while I was riding a horse I adored. The horse was scared and reared up. I came off and the horse came back down on me several times. This was incredibly traumatic, and my body went into shock.

I never went near this horse again and I received no support at all.

After being kicked recently, as I sat there in shock, memories of the incident when I was a child came flooding back. Eventually I did get up, and I could feel my whole body trembling.

The trauma that had been living in my body since a child had been activated!!!

I didn’t fully realise this at the time, but I knew there was a link.

Things are different now…

I decided very quickly: I am the adult now and my inner child is not going to lose another horse I adore to human error.

My body response of extreme fear continued, however, and I didn’t realise the seriousness until I couldn’t get off the lounge weeks later. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed all the time and my usual self-care strategies weren’t helping. Every time I went near this horse, fear would overwhelm me.

An unlikely colleague noticed that I was still in shock several weeks later. I was stuck and I needed support.

In our blogging meeting, Dr Carolyn Russell taught us about slowly building a corral of support. Given my love of horses, this appealed to me straight away. The words that stood out for me during the talk were: flexible, trustworthy, choiceful supports.

She spoke of different types of support: professional, mentoring/training, groups/interests, and family/friends.

I needed to add to my corral of supports – I was in crisis.

Choiceful support

I took a week off work.
I cancelled clients.
I found a fantastic horse trainer to help me repair the rupture I had with my horse and teach me more about horse behaviour.
I saw a psychotherapist (I was amazed at how much grief I had been carrying over the loss of my first horse).
I spoke with friends and asked for support.
I had body work eg chiropractor, healer.
I saw my doctor.
I learnt more about trauma and somatic work.
I spent some time doing some of the things I love.

One of the best things that has come out of this is that I feel I have found my voice when it comes to asking for support, even if I feel silly.

With an extra dose of super supports I am now feeling much calmer and my relationship with my horse and myself is repairing.

Blogging GEMS program

This Blog is a part of the Blogging GEMS program, which supports domestic violence survivors to practise the self-care strategies of Gratitude, Exercise, Mindfulness, Support, and Service (GEMS). As they practise the strategies, they blog about it.you can read their survivor GEMS Blogs: